Trailing to Trailblazing: Spouses Own Their Beijing Destiny

advertisement

“I suppose I am technically a trailing spouse, because my husband and I moved here because he had a great job opportunity,” my friend Anna explains. I’ve known her for a few months through work. We share the commonality of tending to scratch our partners’ full beards in public, often with hilarious results.

We also have another thing in common: for a period after coming to Beijing, our partners went to work while we busied ourselves in other ways. Actually, Anna stands out in one aspect. Whereas I had a few months of empty days, Anna was able to jump straight back to work after two weeks or so - a rare thing indeed for a potential trailing spouse.  My case was slightly different from Anna’s in yet another aspect. My partner and I decided on a third country in which to settle since neither of our native countries had what it would take for the pair of us to build a life. And before we knew it, we were grappling with Chinese bureaucracy and we were here. But whereas he was able to find relevant work with relative ease, I was limited by several unforeseen circumstances and ultimately became the trailing spouse.

advertisement

“But I’m not a fan of the term. Trail, as a verb, implies reluctance, weariness, a lack of agency and control. Children trail after their parents. Spouses walk side by side,” protests Anna.

She is not the only one to take umbrage with this term. After its coining by Mary Bralove for The Wall Street Journal, many a spouse in the position meant to be described by the term have sought to redefine it. Under certain circumstances, this can easily be done depending on the status of the expat family and where they are stationed. For instance, in many countries, spouses on diplomatic passes are barred from working or directly engaging in activities that might result in remuneration. Some in the private sector such as the hospitality industry are able to find ways to regain some financial independence by working part-time, as per the allowances granted under law. But that doesn’t solve a major rift between keeping busy and being fulfilled. Most of these so-called trailing spouses have often left promising careers of their own and are unable to re-enter said careers in countries in which their partners are posted.

Strict Chinese laws regarding migration and work further complicate this matter for many such spouses as while on a spouse/ family visa they are entirely barred from pursuing work opportunities, be they full-time or part-time, unless they are willing to go about the laborious visa conversion process. This leaves the “trailing spouse” unfulfilled, and open to a series of often negative emotions. In a city like Beijing, spouses not only have to contend with the sprawling newness but also a daunting language and cultural barrier which encourages them to become isolated or overly rely on limited WeChat-based expat networks to compensate for the loss of the support networks they relied on in their home countries.

Dalida Turkovic, founder of Beijing Mindfulness Center, is acutely aware of this vacuum as she continues to offer emotional support in weekly meetings at her center to Beijing mothers, who are often trailing spouses. According to a 2015 survey by Internations, 84 percent of all trailing spouses are women, with 72 percent having left a career in favor of moving abroad. And even though this is the same demographic that is most active in the expat community in Beijing, it is not to say that they are satisfied or fulfilled.

“In the past two years I have been running the mindful mother’s group and recently started a ‘Mindful self-compassion’ program, and through that work, I have learned that in mixed groups, participants find it difficult to open up,” Turkovic explains. “There’s an awareness that ‘I might not be able to share my topic of interest and so I shall just keep quiet’. That and research done shows that the biggest ‘healing is done from the peer.’”

This signified the birth of the mothers’ mindfulness group moderated 

by Turkovic herself where participants are able to deal with the frustrations of careers thwarted or put on hold. Such spaces are especially important to maintain the “trailing spouse’s” mental health, in a space especially in a judgmental society where it is increasingly believed that financial stability should equate to peace of mind.

“I prefer ‘leapfrog spouse’. I’ve leapfrogged off of the opportunity that was my husband’s job, and landed in a great spot! Thanks Charles!” Anna and I chuckle about how our partners’ opportunities in Beijing have more or less allowed us the opportunities that we currently enjoy. And as we, along with others, work to dismantle the negative associations attached to the idea of “the trailing spouse”, it is also good to know that Dalida Turkovic has created a safe space for those of us with such worries.

Photos: Courtesy of Beijing Mindfulness Center, finglobal.com

advertisement

What's Hot This Week